If you are in grad school right now, odds are that you are in your late 20s or early 30s. Developmentally, this is an age when people who are generally interested in permanent monogamous relationships end up partnering up.
Who you end up being married to or permanently partnered with is one of the single most important decisions you will make and one of the best predictors of well-being and quality of life. Yet, in my many years of experience working with graduate students, I have observed that many people are far more strategic when picking advisors than when choosing who they date. Why is that?
Someone out there is probably writing their dissertation on modern dating patterns right now, but having limited space here, I will zero in on one important observation: Many Westerners don’t seem to believe that it is OK to be strategic about who they date. I say Westerners because in many other cultures, it is absolutely expected to be strategic, so please keep in mind that I am writing based on my experience practicing in the U.S. Being strategic is often associated with being at least anti-romantic, if not conniving, transactional, and cold.
Now, asking someone for a CV before you agree to date them is so strident in Western culture that it would not sit well with many, including myself. But this is not what I am suggesting. What I am suggesting is that it is important to consider how the person you are with might fit into the life that you hope to have, and if they do not fit into it, understand that this will likely cause a lot of issues and pain down the line.
Instead of arguing philosophy and ethics, I will simply present a few scenarios that I have observed repeatedly and suggest some things to consider in each situation.
1. Dating someone who requires constant care
Right off the bat, let me offer a big, fat disclaimer: All of us have been mentally or physically ill, overwhelmed by adverse life events, or otherwise incapacitated at some point in our lives. If you try to limit your dating pool to people who have never needed someone to take care of them, you will end up alone.
What I am referring to here is not a reciprocal state of taking care of each other, but rather a one-sided state where one partner is always giving care and the other always receiving it. For example, are you dating a person for whom being incapacitated is a major aspect of their identity? Who is frequently unable to leave the house, engage in everyday activities, study, work, etc.? Are you finding that you are functioning more like a caregiver than a romantic partner in your relationship? If this is your situation, then I suggest that you ask yourself the following questions:
- Is your partner doing their very best to get treatment for their condition?
- Is your partner actively looking for help from people who are not you (e.g., professionals, friends, family)?
- Are you able to ask your partner for help and support when you need them yourself?
- Is there space in your relationship for you to be vulnerable, ill, tired, scared, etc.?
- If your partner remains in the state they are in now for much of their life, do you believe that you will be able to achieve your personal life goals (have children, work full-time, travel, seek job promotions) with them by your side?
Let me offer another disclaimer: I am not referring here to a person who requires a wheelchair or other assistive device, or who needs antidepressant medication. I am also not referring to a long-term relationship where one of the partners got hurt mentally or physically through an adverse life event. What I am offering here are things to consider when entering a new relationship, especially if you find that you are routinely drawn to relationships where you function in a caregiver role.
2. Dating a person you do not respect
This is a tough one. Many people might bristle at this one and say, “Of course I respect my partner! What kind of scoundrel do you think I am?”
I sure hope that you show basic respect to your partner, and indeed everyone else with whom you interact, but this is not what I mean. What I mean is this:
- If you are completely honest with yourself, do you believe your partner to be an impressive person, a person from whom you would like to learn, a person whose opinions and ideas you cherish and hold in high esteem?
- If you were to have children, would you be comfortable with your children growing up to be like your partner and share their values and personal characteristics? This is a good test whether or not you actually plan to have kids.
You should be aware that contempt is the single most disruptive emotion when it comes to relationships, and if the seeds of contempt are present from the get-go, you should take them seriously.
3. Dating someone who does not seem to respect you
This is the previous point in reverse. It goes without saying that you should be very, very concerned if you find that you are dating someone who does not show you basic respect (e.g., belittles you, uses demeaning language, breaks promises, cheats, leaves you with all the housework, etc.). But, as I said before, respect goes deeper than this.
- Do you have the feeling that your partner thinks they are a lot smarter than you?
- Does your partner dismiss your interests and hobbies as silly or useless?
- Does your partner act as though they are better equipped to make all the decisions?
If you do feel that your partner does not respect you, you might become curious about why this is OK for you and whether you think you will remain OK with this your entire life.
4. Dating a person whose family does not accept you
There “never was a story of more woe” than that of a perfect couple whose families conspire to separate them. Romeo and Juliet are beloved for a reason—the thought of parents lording over their children and ruining their happiness boils many people’s blood. While it is undoubtedly unjust that a good relationship should be ruined by biased, bigoted, or otherwise interfering families, here are some things you should ask yourself before deciding to fight this fight:
- Is the objection your partner’s family has to you surmountable? For instance, if they object on the grounds that you practice a different religion, are you willing to convert?
- How does the family express their displeasure? Are they simply a little cold toward you, or do they engage in disruptive or intrusive behaviors to try to end your relationship?
- Has your partner’s family ever been successful in starting a fight between you and your partner?
- Is your partner firmly on your side, or are they wavering?
What I offer here are just some important (and difficult) questions to ask yourself. There are many more. There is also the important question of what you do like in a partner—what qualities, values and life goals would be compatible with yours. This will be the topic of a future post.
