“I had no say when my son divorced his wife,” Bella told me. “She was like a daughter to me! My son wanted me to love her when they married, but now he tells me not to even talk to her! And my grandchildren — I’m worried I’ll lose my time with them too, and what about the holidays?” Bella is grieving, but her husband, Andy, is furious. He says “She was terrible to our son, I don’t blame him for leaving her, and the kids should know whose fault this is.”
When your adult child divorces, you and the other grandparents will also feel the deep loss, especially when there are grandchildren.
You grieve the loss of the marriage, your adult child’s suffering, and the loss of the extended family to whom you’d opened your hearts. You think of the memories of family gatherings that you thought would go on forever. You may have grown close to the other in-laws, but most of all, you suffer for the grandchildren. Will they be okay? Will you still see them? How will your relationships change? What can you say or not say to them, and how can you best support them through this family crisis and change?
Most of my writing has focused on the parents, but I have learned through my clients’ and my own experience how important of a role grandparents play in how children weather a divorce.
Grandparents Matter a Lot During a Divorce
Parents going through divorce are suffering a life crisis. Overwhelmed by anger, grief, or worry, they have to deal with complicated, often new, all-consuming logistics, legal matters, and conflict. Most have reduced emotional resources for their children, despite their love and best intentions. Grandparents can offer a safe place to land for the grandchildren, with consistent traditions and a calm environment. Grandparents offer a protective buffer to their grandchildren, but only if they can stay out of the conflict.
Grandparent Pitfalls: Where Things Can Go Wrong
“Blood is thicker than water,” says Andy. “We have to be loyal to our son, and our grandkids should know the truth about who their mom really is.” Of course, it is human nature to feel protective of your adult children, especially if you feel they were wronged in the marriage or in the divorce. Unfortunately, criticizing one of your grandchildren’s parents puts kids in an intolerable, and unhealthy loyalty bind. Kids know that they have both parents in them, and the loyalty test asks them to reject a part of themselves. Healthy children learn to love and accept both parents during a divorce, without having to decide who was right or wrong, or who was the victim or to blame. When a grandparent gives the children the message that they need to choose between their parents, the children become trapped in the middle. Research is clear that one of the most damaging aspects of divorce for kids is feeling trapped in this loyalty bind. Grandparents need to be mindful not to add to this.
Children are at risk of adopting unhealthy roles during divorce, which I have written about previously. Among these roles are being messengers, spies, or investigators. Asking your grandkids what goes on at the other parent’s home, asking them to pass a message, or to report on events there, all are stressful roles for your grandkids, and your relationship with them will feel less safe as a result. Grandparents risk unconsciously questioning their grandkids — as Andy did when he said, “I’m just curious if she’s got a new man in her life!”
Another risk faced by grandparents is when they feel pulled into managing their adult child’s divorce, their finances, or their legal matters. Adult children need to feel confident and capable as they navigate this huge life change. Without fostering dependency, grandparents can offer emotional support and advice, but advice only when it is requested! Offering practical support such as a meal, babysitting, or transportation help is often greatly appreciated.
Bella’s concern about losing time and emotional closeness with grandchildren is supported by research. Contact with grandchildren often drops when shared custody is established, unless the grandparents can maintain a positive connection with both their child and their ex-spouse. This can be challenging when you, like Andy, are pulled to align yourself with one of the parents. Because grandparents have very limited legal rights in the US, a good relationship with both parents is a far more reliable protection than a court order.
What Is a Grandparent to Do?
Now that you know what not to do, here is how you can support your grandchildren.
Hold down the fort, and stay calm in the storm. Keep your home, routines, and traditions as consistent as possible. Continue your regular Sunday dinners, pizza/movie nights, or playtime at the park to let your grandchildren know that some things are not changing.
Speak kindly about both of your grandchildren’s parents, or say nothing at all. If you feel the need to vent, turn to friends or a therapist. It will harm your relationship with your grandchildren if you speak negatively of either of their parents. Andy struggled with this idea and continued to talk about it in therapy for several sessions.
Don’t probe their emotions but give them space to express themselves if they want to. Listen without advising or correcting them. Express empathy: “That sounds really hard,” or something encouraging like, “It will get easier with time.”
Be sure to let the parents take the lead on what they’d like you to say or not say to the kids. Even if you disagree with their rules or their parenting plan, demonstrate respect and support.
Keep the door open to the other parent. Bella struggled with the loss of her daughter-in-law, but let her know that she hoped to be able to stay in the children’s lives. “Maybe eventually we can reconnect more deeply,” she sighed. I encouraged her, and encourage all grandparents, to acknowledge and take care of their own grief, as the ripple effects of divorces cross through all the generations..
In the End
While grandparents can neither prevent nor fix a divorce, they can give their grandchildren something essential: a safe, warm, stable relationship while everything else in their life is in flux.
Months later, Andy was still angry, but he had noticed his granddaughter went quiet whenever he criticized her mom. “I guess I was making her choose, or to feel bad about loving her mom,” he said. “I realized this might be a reason she won’t want to come over.” Instead, he decided to teach her to play the ukulele, which he’d wanted to do for a long time.
Bella reached out to her former daughter-in-law and told her she hoped they could stay connected for the children’s sake. She was relieved. The last time I saw them, Bella and Andy were planning activities for “Grandparent Camp,” a long weekend with their grandchildren, and their former daughter-in-law dropped the kids off herself.
© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2026
