IFS is an ‘experience-near therapy,’ which is to say, it follows subjective experience closely. As a result, IFS practitioners understand the mind as plural. It is a community of parts (as people say) of varying ages and roles. When something bad happens, some parts become protective and other parts (the vulnerable ones) get blamed and exiled.
But that’s not all. In addition to parts, the mind produces (or channels, depending on your perspective) a different kind of consciousness, which is characterized by cognitive clarity and centered emotional states like curiosity and compassion. IFS calls this (again, as people say) Self, with a capital S to signal a special use of the word: “This is my true Self.” When the Self is overshadowed by the strong feelings of parts, we lose balance. Shame is especially unbalancing.
Here is a description of shame as a long-term experience featuring distinct acts in relationship and in the theatre of the mind.
Act 1. A Bad Thing Happens
An authority figure (caretaker, relative, teacher, older child, sibling, or peer) shames a child. The bad thing that happens is interpersonal. The shamer is not me. The shamed child is a passive recipient of the shaming with no intent in this situation. If we flash forward to therapy in the present, the bad thing that happened has become history.
Act 2. Acceptance: The Shamed Part Believes I Am Bad (Defective, Worthless, Evil, Rotten, Monstrous, Too Much, Too Little)
The most vulnerable part of the shamed child accepts the judgment and concludes I am shameful. Acceptance, like the shaming event itself, sets the stage for the problems that might lead a person to therapy.
Act 3. Critics Go Large: That’s True, You Are Bad
Proactive manager parts hold the shamed part of the child responsible for being shamed. Hoping to improve or at least suppress its despair, they start shaming it. I call this instrumental shaming because, even though shaming will eventually lead to antisocial avoidance and reactive rage, this inner shamer has a positive, prosocial intent. By inhibiting the shamed part, who it views as a liability, it aims to take control of a dangerous situation. With the advent of inner shaming, “I” am not only the recipient of shaming, “I” am also the shamer.
Act 4. Prevention: Never Again
Anticipatory proactive “scout” protectors do a lot of warning: Do be this! Don’t be that! Be quiet! Apologize! Aiming to prevent more shaming, inside or out, they anticipate the complaints of a (real or imagined) critical audience. Because of them and other proactive critics, a problem that was once external is now self-generated. Their intent is prosocial, but their actions reinforce both the antisocial existence of exiled young parts and the antisocial behavior of reactive protectors.
Act 5. The Mutiny: No, You Are Bad
Reactive protectors cover a lot of territory. Some shame other people, diminishing them by comparison and rebooting the self-esteem of a system that is collapsing under the weight of internal shaming. This external shaming is also instrumental. This reactive protector is rebellious, disinhibited, and ready to throw the hot potato. Though its behavior is antisocial and will have bad consequences, its internal intent is still prosocial. It aims to ward off the dangerous consequences of continual shaming.
Act 6. The Rescue Team: Feel Better
Other reactive protectors get relief from shaming and shamefulness with some preferred way of self-soothing or distracting. A wide range of behaviors involving disinhibition can fit this bill. They drink too much, use drugs excessively, smoke cigarettes, gobble soothing foods, gamble compulsively, and so on. They take risks without concern for consequences. They also mean to be helpful, and they are essentially asocial—they just don’t care about other people—but their behavior generally has a negative effect on other people.
Recovery: A Bad Thing Happened to Me
I’ve organized the shame cycle neatly into separate acts, but neither life nor therapy is neat. Protectors can all be in action at once—and that can be overwhelmingly confusing. Here’s the thing to remember: This confusion can be sorted by the motives and actions of parts. It is the story of shame. The parts who are caught in the shame cycle need your help to slow down and take turns telling their portion of the story. They need you to listen with kindness and compassion, and ask questions with genuine curiosity. When you do, the big story will gradually change from I am bad to A bad thing happened to me.
This post is adapted from the book Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt.
