You may have seen this so-called “Box Theory” being mentioned on social media. The theory is that men on a first date with a woman will quickly put the woman into one of three mutually exclusive boxes—relationship material, casual sex material, or essentially immaterial. And that this box supposedly isn’t a moving box—meaning that the woman can’t do much to move from that box into another.
Is it really this simple then? Do all men do this? Or is the “Box Theory” itself unfairly throwing all men into one, umm, box? Well, on social media channels like Reddit, this theory has certainly caused quite a flap. So, let’s unpack this “Box Theory.”
What Is This ‘Box Theory of Dating’?
A TikToker who goes by the nickname Tinx has asserted in a video post that’s gotten over 261K likes that she developed the “Box Theory” to counter the traditional advice that a woman should wait at least three to five dates to sleep with a man so that he is more likely to consider her relationship material. The TikToker argued that the guy will have already boxed the woman sometime early in the first date. “It’s very difficult to shift from box to box, and your behavior doesn’t really affect what box you’re in,” says Tinx. “So, if he meets you and he’s like, ‘I wanna date this girl,’ you could puke on his shoes and sleep with him on the first night, and it wouldn’t matter.” She continued with, “Vice versa, if he meets you and he just wants to hook up, you could make him wait three months to sleep with you—it’s not gonna change that.”
You certainly can find plenty of men saying similar things about women—that women will also quickly put a man into one of several boxes as well. For example, there’s the dreaded friend zone—the she’s-never-going-to-sleep-with-you box—that’s supposedly as hard to get out of as that Phantom Zone of Superman and Supergirl lore.
There Are Those Who Fit the ‘Box Theory’
So are the women claiming that men box women during a first date and the men claiming that women do something similar to men all correct? Well, there are certainly men and women who will, in fact, make rather snap judgments and quickly pigeonhole you when it comes to dating. You’ll find people doing that in practically all aspects of life, whether it’s in dating, choosing friends, hiring people for a job, deciding on awards or promotions, or even just selecting whom to talk to in a social gathering.
For example, a study published in the journal Psychological Science found that test subjects had already formed judgments about a person’s attractiveness, likeability, trustworthiness, competence, and aggressiveness just 100 milliseconds after seeing no more than that person’s face. And no one can deny the fact that so many stereotypes and prejudices based solely on appearance continue to exist. It’s simply too easy for humans to form firm conclusions about someone without taking the time and effort to really get to know that person.
Therefore, sure, it helps to be aware that such snap judgments can occur. And, yes, investing too much time and effort trying to change the mind of those who have already boxed you in can be like trying to use your forehead only to break open a locked steel box. It may be better instead to move on to other people more open-minded and open to you.
But Not Everyone Fits the ‘Box Theory’
That being said, here’s where this “Box Theory” can fall down like a House of Cardboard Boxes—it doesn’t apply to all men or all women—or all people, for that matter. There’s a tremendous amount of diversity within and across all sexes and genders—ranging from those who will categorize someone in seconds to those who seemingly take forever to decide about anything, with an extensive continuum in between.
Plus, there is the “mere-exposure effect,” where people grow to like a person, object, song, idea, haircut, or sweater vest simply because they become more and more familiar with it. This is the basis for a lot of advertising. It’s also why like and love can grow between two people over time.
Just look at the variety of “meet cute” stories out there about how long-term couples first met each other. Sure, there’s the “We knew it ever since the first time we ever laid eyes on each other in the laundromat” stories. But there are also the “We were just friends for a while before feelings developed” stories, as well as the “We were more bothered by each other at first than hot and bothered” stories. Moreover, various complex factors such as timing and circumstances can play major roles over time.
Signs You’ve Already Been Boxed
The risk of strictly following the “Box Theory,” then, is that you can box your date prematurely as being a boxer when that person hasn’t really boxed you at all, prematurely boxing you out of any romantic possibilities with the person in the process. Therefore, it’s better instead to stay open-minded until evidence suggests otherwise, such as your date:
- Making premature assumptions about you. Do they act as if they know you before they, you know, actually know you?
- Pushing you in a particular direction. For example, if your date mentions the word “sex” over and over again, guess what box you may be in already?
- Failing to make any effort to get to know you. Do they spend the entire date just talking about themselves or, on the flip side, being about as conversant as Groot?
- Dissing you or otherwise acting disdainful towards you. “Dis” probably means that you aren’t in the relationship material box.
- Putting other people in boxes, especially permanent ones. If they are quickly making generalities and drawing immovable conclusions about others, then gee, what do you think they might be doing to you?
- Telling you that you are already in a box. In a variation of what Maya Angelou once said, when someone tells you who they think you are, believe them.
Ultimately, the “Box Theory” might apply to some people but certainly not all. It can oversimplify the true diversity and complexities that exist out there. Your date could very well be an out-of-the-box thinker in more ways than one.
