As people live longer and the older population grows, there are increasing conversations about adult children becoming caregivers for their parents. This can present significant psychological, emotional, and financial challenges, and, as a result, self-care for caregivers is a popular topic in research and media.
However, when elderly parents move in with their adult children, the greatest psychological challenge may not be caregiving. Instead, it could be renegotiating identities and relationships that have existed for decades.
Old Roles and Autonomy
Even after decades of independence, living with parents again can reactivate familiar parent-child dynamics and old roles. The adult child can revert to being the responsible offspring—the loving, supportive parent can become critical or directive, and the independent adult suddenly feels they need permission.
Furthermore, parents need to feel in control of their own lives; the need for autonomy doesn’t expire with age. Just because someone has diminishing abilities doesn’t mean they don’t need control over their own lives. Older adults, just like anyone with disabilities, retain a fundamental need for self-determination. Even well-intentioned assistance can undermine someone’s sense of competence and control.
A New Vision Called Roommates
What if the healthiest approach to intergenerational cohabitation is not to treat the arrangement as an extension of the parent-child relationship? Perhaps the healthiest arrangement isn’t a return to the family home of childhood but the creation of an entirely new household, with three autonomous adults negotiating how to live together.
Current research on autonomy and intergenerational relationships supports this idea–I’m taking it a step further. I’m inviting everyone involved to consciously create new relationships and explore what the relationships might look like. To have discussions that involve negotiating privacy, household responsibilities, schedules, or boundaries, rather than relying on assumptions or the old way of doing things.
This can mean exploring the difference between caring and caretaking, how adult children can offer practical support without assuming authority over their parents’ lives, or surrendering authority over their own. For example, noticing a parent may need assistance with a task but asking before jumping in. The challenge isn’t learning how to be a good offspring or parent again–it’s about creating new ways of relating that fit today’s reality. It’s about creating a roommate paradigm that works for everyone and can be regularly renegotiated as circumstances change. And perhaps, in the process, discovering a new kind of closeness that wasn’t possible within the old roles.
