For many parents, managing a teenager becomes more frustrating than parenting a child.
For example, with the child, parental authority could command compliance: “because I say so!” With the adolescent, parental authority more often has to work for consent: “I’ll listen to your objections if you let me explain my reasons and my need.” With the child, parents could usually order their way. With the adolescent, they more often have to persuade their way.
Parental testimony
A sensitive comment to an earlier blog post (“When parents get angry at their adolescent”) beautifully captured the challenge of this transition. The parent wrote:
“I tend to be fairly patient, but I find myself feeling so frustrated and angry at teenage behavior. I even wake up in the morning just seething — just trying to control the situation, I guess. I just wish I could get it through their head to listen to me. I think one of the biggest frustrations with the teen years, though, is that they also argue rationally! So I can’t win as easily.
Like I might tell my teen ‘you have to wear clean clothes because people will judge you/you could get sick, etc.’ And the teen will argue, ‘but people don’t care about that, and I don’t want people to judge me by my appearance.’ Well fine, but still it makes life harder.
Or, ‘you have to go to sleep at X time’ and [they reply] ‘but I can’t force myself to go to sleep can I?’ It’s like — no, but you have to try. ‘But why try to do something that’s impossible? Are you saying you can just will yourself to sleep?’ UGH!
Even though I’ve never thought of myself as an angry person – I’ve been so frustrated lately. It’s become very disruptive to my own well-being, first, and also to my teen’s. So, dealing with my own frustration is really important to everyone.”
Yes. It’s easy for parental frustration with not getting one’s own way to create a feeling of anger at being denied that turns into resentment at the denier. And now everyone suffers emotionally.
The danger of frustration
The danger of frustration for parents facing an oppositional teenager is that it can be inflammatory. It can lead to emotional escalation. With more intensity, feelings are increasingly allowed to do parents’ “thinking” for them. In this aroused state, parents become more at risk of impulsive and extreme words and actions, while the teenager (because conflict creates resemblance) can feel encouraged by example to ramp up in response. Now each runs the risk of “losing it” to win in the encounter, a bad outcome all the way around.
Should parents find themselves in a state of rising frustration with their teenager, the best advice is: Separate, don’t escalate. While the teenager may only be driven to keep going, the parent needs to be motivated to restore calm. So the parent can declare a short time-out, creating a break for both to recover their emotional sobriety, and then re-engage after a specified amount of time when cooler heads can prevail.
Frustration can result from violated expectations
So, what is frustrated when frustration occurs?
The answer often is: expectations. For instance, what you thought would be easy to do or immediately forthcoming proves hard to do or is not occurring. Frustration is the “not getting my way” emotion, a very human felt response to denial, delay, or blockage of three kinds of expectations.
Ambitions: when what a parent wants to happen doesn’t happen. For instance: “I wanted her to remember my birthday, and she forgot it.” Frustration in this case can mean feeling let down. Now the parent can feel inclined to blame the adolescent for disappointing them.
Predictions: when what a parent anticipates will happen doesn’t happen. For instance, “I assumed he’d keep his word and he didn’t.” Frustration in this case can mean feeling surprised. Now the parent can feel inclined to blame the adolescent for causing them anxiety.
Conditions: when what a parent believes should happen doesn’t happen. For instance, “She knows the rules and still did wrong.” Frustration in this case can mean feeling betrayed. Now the parent can feel inclined to blame the adolescent for making them angry.
While it’s tempting to blame emotional upset from violated parental expectations on the adolescent, it’s important for parents to remember that they are responsible for the expectations they set.
Expectations are functional
When an ambition, prediction, or condition is unmet, frustration can result. So does that mean parents shouldn’t have expectations? No. Expectations are functional. They are essential mental sets people depend on to make their way through time and change with some sense of what they would like and what is likely to occur. They are a conceptual bridge to the future to help make the present more manageable. Expectations are one way of thinking ahead.
However, they are mental sets with powerful emotional consequences, particularly when violated. So parents need to choose them carefully. Part of the art of parenting is changing expectations to fit the changing reality of the growing child. Parents who get locked into a childhood set of expectations can find older adolescent behavior very frustrating to live with. Now a lot of normal changes can feel “wrong.”
“She tells us less about herself now.” “He no longer likes to be hugged.” “She prefers time with friends over family.” “He just holes up in his room.” “She spends endless time getting ready to go out.” “He’s more critical of the ways we are.” “She takes forever to do what we ask.” “He’ll argue about the time of day.”
Growing change in the adolescent constantly violates old parental expectations, with adult frustration often being the result. Now a relevant question becomes: “Is my teenager doing something wrong, or are my expectations of teenage behavior out of line?”
The problem with blaming their frustration on the teenager is that parents give that young person control over their emotions. This means they can feel victimized and are more at risk of saying hurtful words in response. But, because expectations are yours to choose, no one can frustrate you without your permission.
Moderating parental frustration
To moderate parental frustration with your adolescent, manage your expectations mindfully.
- Keep communicating specific expectations for healthy conduct.
- Keep asking for needed information so you can know what to expect.
- Treat your expectations as approximations, not absolutes.
- Adjust your expectations to fit growing adolescent changes.
- Don’t take violations of expectations as personal affronts.
- Don’t blame your feelings of frustration on the adolescent.
- Take emotional responsibility when violated expectations occur.
- Reset healthy expectations after a violation has been dealt with.
Final words
Consider this scrap of dialogue.
Teenager: “Why do you get angry with me all the time?”
Parent: “Because you’re so frustrating — always doing the unexpected!”
Teenager: “Well, maybe if you expected the unexpected, you’d be less angry.”
Maybe so.
