Harris and Adam came to me in the summer of 2025. They had two young children and had just purchased a home. But Adam began to exhibit scary behavior toward his husband, Harris. He had started to yell loudly and had been physically violent a couple of times.
When Adam called me, he hoped therapy could “help” Harris and stop the behavior. In the first session, he asked, “Can you give us some tools to help his behavior?”
Adam’s question is common. In cases where children are involved, or other financial or emotional tethers bind couples together, they might consider couples therapy to fix their unhealthy relationship before they think of leaving it. While this approach can help if both partners are willing to work on their own relationship issues, this is usually not the case with an abusive person.
When a relationship involves coercive control or ongoing abuse, couples therapy is generally not recommended because it can reinforce existing power imbalances and potentially place the victim at further risk (Keilholtz and Spencer, 2022). The concern is not simply that a couple has relationship problems, but that the presence of abuse and a power imbalance changes the safety and appropriateness of the therapeutic approach. When I provide training on coercive control, I often advise against couples therapy (in most cases) due to the following three reasons:
- Therapy could become part of the coercive control: Suppose the perpetrator’s behavior is brought to light in a therapy session against their will. In that case, the perpetrator can feel vengeful when the couple leaves the safety of the therapist’s office. The power imbalance present in most abusive relationships can put the victim at further risk when entering a therapy space.
- Couples therapy can incorrectly frame abuse as a mutual relationship problem: In their need to remain neutral, therapists will often try to get the victim to take on undue responsibility for an abuser’s behavior, suggesting a victim re-evaluate their responses to abuse or that the victim could better manage those reactions. They may even go as far as to suggest they are “provoking” their abuser’s behavior, language which, to a victim, is abusive itself.
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An abusive partner can manipulate the therapeutic process and further undermine the survivor’s reality: Many perpetrators are skilled manipulators (which is often why they can make it so far in the legal system without being caught) and often fool even mental health clinicians. This is why seeking couples therapy in domestic abuse cases may be more harmful to a victim than helpful. A therapist needs to hear both sides and give an unbiased assessment. This too often becomes a critical analysis of a victim’s reactive behavior to abuse instead of addressing the abuse itself.
If a therapist implies that the victim is equally to blame for reacting to abuse as the abuser is for inflicting it, the victim will absorb this professional assessment as confirmation of all the self-doubt that their abuser has been curating in them. It invalidates the severity of genuine abuse to create a balanced playing field for both partners. This perspective only enhances the abuser’s position of control and revictimizes an already weakened victim.
Unfortunately, with a dangerous partner, deciding to leave is usually easier said than done. This is less about simply leaving and more about making the necessary plans to do so safely. And while it is normal to want to explore all options to help the relationship, especially if kids are involved, it is essential to prioritize safety above all else.
