One common question I hear: “How do I find the confidence to do these things without alcohol?”
Over the years, we have turned to alcohol for a confidence boost in these and other scenarios:
- Meeting new people.
- Showing up for a networking event.
- Walking up to that attractive person smiling at you across the room.
Without alcohol, it can feel as if we’re left to face our vulnerability and self-doubt alone, without our usual armor.
An Invisible Drinking Loop Is the Borrowed-Confidence Loop
For most seasoned drinkers who have eventually come to question their drinking, alcohol is often only what’s on the surface. Beneath the drinking patterns, one or more invisible drinking loops usually keep the drinking pattern alive.
When it comes to alcohol and confidence, people often get caught in what I call the borrowed confidence drinking loop. It’s one of the 11 most common drinking loops I see in my work.
In this particular drinking loop, our drinking pattern is driven by our need for self-trust and confidence to go for the things that matter to us, and is fueled by the belief that alcohol can help us boost confidence. Through repetition, drinking becomes our default to quiet fear and self-doubt in situations that require self-trust. Unfortunately, over time, by repeatedly borrowing confidence from alcohol, our own self-trust tends to diminish, rather than grow.
To outgrow these loops, we can learn new skills and tools that allow us to stop turning to alcohol for help. For a borrowed-confidence loop, that means stopping borrowing confidence from alcohol and starting to earn it ourselves. I call this step skill expansion, which is one of the four core pillars of my approach to breaking and growing beyond old drinking patterns.
How do we start to earn confidence without alcohol?
Below are the four practical steps I often share with my clients to help them stop borrowing confidence from alcohol.
Step 1: Mindset Makeover
Real change doesn’t always start with new actions. Sometimes, it starts with a mindset shift.
In modern culture, many of us mistake confidence for a feeling and believe we need to feel confident before we can take action. I call this a limiting mindset—a mindset that holds us back.
Despite modern misconceptions, confidence requires trust and reliance; confidence means taking action despite self-doubt. This is how we earn confidence.
The first step to stop borrowing confidence from alcohol is shifting mindset.
Limiting Mindset: Confidence is a feeling. I need to feel confident before I act.
To Empower Mindset: Confidence is an act of self-trust. When I act despite my self-doubt, I can build confidence.
Step 2: Take a Small Action
Once we shift our mindset, the next step is to put that new belief into practice: choose one small action you can take without borrowing confidence from alcohol.
If talking to new people makes you nervous, make eye contact and smile at someone. If networking events feel intimidating, perhaps show up for 10 minutes without expecting yourself to talk to anyone.
The goal isn’t to feel completely comfortable or doubt-free, or even to get a certain kind of result. It’s to allow yourself to act despite feeling uncomfortable.
Step 3: Celebrate the Action
After taking that small action, give yourself credit for doing it.
Many of us judge ourselves based on outcomes. But when it comes to building confidence, the outcome isn’t the most important part. What matters is that we were willing to take action despite our self-doubt. And here are two secrets that many people don’t realize:
- Secret 1: You are unlikely to get the “ideal” result when you’re just starting to practice something new.
But that is perfectly okay, because:
- Secret 2: It’s the action, not the result, that helps us build confidence and self-trust.
Instead of asking yourself, ‘Did I do well?’ ask, ‘Did I show up and take action despite my self-doubt?’ If the answer is yes, then it’s time to celebrate.
Step 4: Assess, Adjust, then Repeat
Once you’ve celebrated the action, it’s time to assess the result.
- If you liked the result, what worked that you want to repeat?
- If you didn’t like the result, what could you adjust next time?
Getting the result you want in one try isn’t the goal. We can keep learning, adjusting, and giving yourself opportunities to try again. And it’s through this process that confidence is built.
Beyond the Borrowed Confidence Drinking Loop
Building confidence without alcohol is an essential step toward breaking a borrowed confidence drinking loop. But addressing a single loop is rarely enough to break an unwanted drinking pattern.
That’s because many unhealthy relationships with alcohol are maintained not just by one drinking loop, but by multiple loops that overlap and interact across different areas and situations in our lives.
That’s why identifying the different loops that keep our drinking patterns alive is often the first step toward truly breaking them.
This post also appears on Sober Curiosity.
