Every year, I notice that the mood in estrangement groups and chat rooms turns somber as Thanksgiving approaches. Many members post dark and depressed thoughts, expressing their raw emotions to strangers online. Their grieving is palpable.
Many members admit that they begin to suffer as the weather changes, and then as the holidays approach. It’s the time of year when the hurts of estrangement reach an emotional crescendo.
While I was researching my book, Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, some estranged siblings made these comments:
~ From October to December, I feel depressed and feelings of low self-worth blindside me and follow me everywhere. The holidays feed my fantasy of a loving family.
~ I dream about her and wonder if she is OK. I feel terrible about myself and I break out in hives when I talk about the estrangement.
~ I have had streaks where I cry several times a day and I wake up at night with my pillow wet. When depression overwhelms me, I don’t leave home because I’m afraid of crying in public.
Deep grief, rumination, and sleep deprivation inevitably show up at work—especially at this time of year. Robyn D. Shulman’s recent article in Inc Magazine, “38 Percent of U.S. Adults Are Estranged From Family. The Workplace Is Feeling It,” spotlights this overlooked phenomenon.
Estrangement can disrupt attendance and output, as well as affecting attention and ability to focus. The article asks an important question: What does it cost a person to carry a family rupture through an ordinary workday?
More estranged employees
This question is more relevant than ever as an increasing number of people are experiencing estrangements. In a 2025 YouGov poll, 38% of U.S. adults reported being estranged from at least one close family member. That number is up significantly from a 2020 Cornell University study, which found that, pre-pandemic, 27% of American adults—roughly 67 million people—were estranged from a relative.
Behind those numbers is the devastating and relentless experience of losing family members who are still alive. Many of the estranged feel they’re mourning the living. A 2024 study using data from 5,245 adults in the German Family Panel found that family estrangement, especially from both parents and siblings, was associated with lower life satisfaction and greater depression—even when a cutoff or pause in the relationship can be protective and necessary for safety.
Estrangement goes to work
The surge in family estrangement bleeds into the professional world. In Inc, Shulman identifies several ways that estrangement functions as a distinct form of “brain drain” in the workplace:
- The Rise of “Presenteeism.” Employees who are present but absent: physically at their desks, but mentally checked out. They may be ruminating, replaying the last argument, anticipating unwanted contact, or wondering if the silence will ever end. The stress, grief, and anxiety of severing family ties drain energy, potentially causing missed deadlines, poor focus, and greater tension and irritability in the workplace.
- Health Impacts and Absenteeism. Estrangement often causes insomnia, fatigue, and stress-related illnesses. In the workplace, these ailments may result in unexpected absences and higher healthcare costs for organizations. Research shows that chronic stress in relationships with family and friends may result in episodes of depression; ultimately, it can lead to drug and alcohol use.
- Dysfunctional Office Dynamics. Employees often bring unresolved family traumas into professional relationships. Estrangement may result from ongoing boundary violations, criticism, betrayals and unresolved conflict. A terse message from a supervisor or exclusion from a meeting, for example, may cause a blowup, as many of these workers struggle with authority, overreact to feedback, or mismanage workplace conflict.
- Holiday Season Triggers. In Western culture, family bonds are idealized as permanent and unconditional. Research on estrangement shows the deep stigma attached to estrangement. Workplace chats, especially surrounding holiday plans or family traditions, can be emotionally triggering. Estranged workers, who often feel shame, may become more anxious and depressed. Some may cope by withdrawing, possibly leading to lower morale for everyone.
What employees can do
Manage Workload
- Talk to your supervisor: Schedule a check-in to clarify expectations, discuss priorities, or explore flexible scheduling options.
- Prioritize tasks: Break projects into small steps, and drop or postpone non-essential meetings and tasks.
- Set boundaries: Communicate your availability, and say no to non-critical assignments. Avoid checking personal email during the workday and don’t answer calls at work that might upset you.
Reset Focus During the Workday
- Take breaks: Step away from your desk for short walks, fresh air, or coffee.
- Unplug from distractions: Limit personal holiday shopping, messaging, or social media scrolling during work hours. Limit time spent on social media, as many post photos of idealized family gatherings that can cause distress.
- Practice grounding techniques: Use deep breathing exercises and mindfulness when you feel agitated.
- Switch to highly engaging tasks: Move away from passive, repetitive work that allows your mind to wander. Focus on tasks requiring intense concentration, logic, or collaboration.
- Narrate your actions: To keep your mind on the immediate task, tell yourself exactly what you are focusing on now (e.g., “I am reading this report. I am writing this email”).
Recharge at home
- Use your Paid Time Off (PTO): Disconnect from work when using paid time off for a mental break. Leave home stress at home and work stress at work.
- Maintain healthy habits: Prioritize sleep, balanced meals, and regular physical activity to balance yourself.
- Seek support: Reach out to your supportive community — coworkers, friends, family. Create new holiday rituals that offer safety and belonging.
- Schedule “worry time”: Give yourself 10 minutes to think about the situation, and discipline yourself to save worrisome thoughts for that time.
- Use emotional writing as narrative therapy. Validate your grief in writing. Then, if you’d like, shred the paper to signal to your brain that you’re done with those thoughts for now.
These measures can reduce the cost of estrangement at work, and they may help employees keep their jobs.
