Co-authored by Galit Romanelli
Alice and Dov decided to open their marriage three years ago.
They’ve been together since high school and never had sex with anyone else. After three kids and 20 years together, they wanted to shake things up. It was Dov’s idea, but Alice also thought it could be interesting.
Pretty fast, Dov had an unsatisfying sexual encounter. His affair wasn’t completely disclosed, and ended abruptly in a major fight.
Alice wanted to have an affair as well, but it didn’t work out for her. The man she was talking to disappeared. The open marriage was getting too messy, so Alice asked that they close up their marriage again.
Dov reluctantly agreed, even though he wasn’t done with his erotic adventures.
I met them a year later in the clinic.
Alice was about to go on an extended work trip, where she might meet the man she previously corresponded with. She said, “Now, it’s my turn to have sex with someone else, just like you had.”
She asked to open the marriage one-sidedly.
Dov was supportive at first, as he recognized the historical imbalance.
Alice began texting and sexting her lover.
The more she got into it, the more upset Dov became.
Dov finally said, “It’s not fair. It’s really not fair. I had one affair. It wasn’t really legit and immediately got shot down. Yours is not only allowed, but also longer and more emotional than mine.”
Alice kept giving him examples and reasons why it was fair that now it was her turn.
I finally said to Dov, “Okay, I know that you want this to be fair. Let’s talk about it for a moment. I’m going to say something you won’t like: There is no fair in marriage. Marriage is a two-narrative relationship where subjective is the only objective.”
“When you say fair, notice for a second. Is that coming from the adult part of you, or from the child part of you?”
He thought for a moment and shyly said his child part.
He wasn’t proud about it. But it was stronger than him he said. “In my mind I know it’s her turn, but in my body, this screams injustice!”
Relationships aren’t fair.
When you find yourself thinking in terms of fair or not fair, you’re in binary thinking. Such split perception usually comes from your childish part. We previously described the three identities in every partner: parent, partner, and child. Your child archetype sees life, and your relationship, as a binary: Either you or me. My turn or your turn. If you’re allowed, then I’m also allowed.
Such binary thinking can be seen as a defense mechanism that once served us. As children we needed to make sense of a complex world fast, while protecting ourselves. That’s why it’s natural and unavoidable to think in black-and-white terms sometimes.
In relationships, binaries lead to a lose-lose mentality that keeps couples in shallow intimacy. Dichotomous thinking leads to a one-narrative relationship, with one truth (yours) and one opinion (your partner’s).
Two-narrative relationship
Mature intimacy enables, requires, and emphasizes multiplicity and differentiation. Multiplicity is being connected to multiple parts of myself. Differentiation is my ability to hold both of our truths.
In a two-narrative relationship, we recognize that we’re two different people, with different perceptions, values, priorities and truths. When we’re differentiated, we can more easily access our prefrontal cortex, and fully accept that subjective is the only objective in mature relationships.
Equal ≠ same
Equal means the same amount or the same treatment for both partners, which is impossible in any relationship.
Fair is a judgment about whether something is deserved or just. It’s subjective, because each partner has a different sense of what they deserve. Fair is a problematic concept in two-narrative relationships.
Equitable means adjusted. Partners end up on level footing, even when the needs and skills differ. In the clinic we like to call this meeting at eye level, with responsibility being shared.
“Same doesn’t mean equal, and equal doesn’t mean the same.”
You can be in an equitable relationship without everything being equal or fair. That’s the power of a mature, differentiated relationship.
In our marriage, Galit does most of the cooking. I do all the laundry. Galit leads our social life. I’m in charge of the finances and payments. The load in each of these departments is not equal or “fair.” Each of us holds different levels of responsibility.
Complexify your relationship
If you want a deeper marriage, you will have to move from fair/unfair perception to a more nuanced, subjective consciousness.
When you find yourself thinking in fairness terms, that’s a sign a boundary has been crossed. Stop and drop down to your body. Ask yourself what happened? What button got pushed? Where is the perceived “injustice”? Where do you feel unseen, disrespected, or not celebrated enough?
Once you have some clarity, dare to share those insights.
Those insights are your vulnerability.
Sharing the subjective feeling or insight, instead of the objective fair/unfairness, is what will enable you both to hold both narratives.
You can use the prompt “The truth is…”
Dov took a couple of deep breaths and shared, “The truth is… I’m worried you might like him more than me and leave me for him.”
That was his button. She smiled and said that she loves him and he has nothing to be worried about.
They pivoted from fair/unfair, to holding both of their wants.
Swap “it’s not fair” with “I don’t feel seen” or “I’m worried you’ll leave me”.
Choose vulnerability over fairness and see how this shift will help you move from a binary, lose-lose dynamic, to a differentiated two-narrative relationship where you can feel free together.
Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, Ph.D. candidate, and co-creator of The Remarriage Roadmap.
