Perfectionism can make people miserable. That misery may have a particular character based on the type of perfectionism. There are at least three types, each of which involves overestimation. These are perfectionism as overestimation of
- Actual abilities
- Potential abilities
- How much a person controls the world
These forms can cause a person to have a great deal of resentment and unhappiness in their life. Left unchecked, perfectionism can result in a person harboring huge resentment directed at others. Perfectionism can also result in a person making the judgment that he is a moral failure.
Perfectionism as overestimation of actual abilities
Perfectionists set the bar impossibly high yet operate with the expectation that they will be able to clear it in all their actions. Some people tend to chronically overestimate their abilities while others tend to chronically underestimate theirs.
The underestimators and the overestimators lack perspective on what they can and cannot do. They just plainly get it wrong about their abilities and don’t even know it. That’s self-deception.
Based on inaccurate assessments of their actual abilities, people set their expectations for achievement. If underestimators expect to clear any bar, it must be one set so very low that anyone would trip on it. (This is the opposite of perfectionism that might be called, “Not even good enough.”)
It is the overestimators who are more prone to perfectionism. There is often a significant distance between what we expect ourselves to be able to do and what we are actually able to do. Our expectations may color our assessments, which may tend to widen the already existing gap between actual abilities and expectations.
If that gap is acknowledged even for a bit, the characteristic move to close that gap is to begin to consider our potential abilities, which is another form of perfectionism.
Perfectionism as overestimation of potential abilities
Every person spends some amount of time imagining what it is they might be able to do. Oftentimes, there is a chain of reasoning that runs along like this: I am able to do this, so I will be able to do that because they are similar.
In some cases, this comparison and subsequent conclusion that a person will be able to do that is justified. However, when the types of activities are very different, it becomes more difficult to make good comparisons and draw well-founded conclusions.
Imagine that a person is very good at doing that first activity and has had great success with it. She is able to meet the standards she sets for herself there. When that person tries the new activity, she expects on some level that she will be able to replicate her success. She makes the mistake of assuming that abilities translate across activities, so she overestimates her potential abilities.
This overestimation results in her having skewed expectations that she cannot possibly meet. Yet she expects herself to meet them because she understands herself as a type of person who has met the highest standards before.
Complicating the matter of perfectionism even more is the fact that being able to do something perfectly is not simply a matter of capacity and willingness. Yes, each of these plays an important role, and their absence may make it impossible to accomplish a goal. However, their presence does not guarantee success.
There are all kinds of factors and limiting conditions that have nothing to do with you or me personally that affect our achievement. This leads to the third form of perfectionism.
Perfectionism as overestimation of how much a person controls the world
This is the view that a person should be able to control all factors that affect her activities and achievement. This is another failure of assessment in the direction of overestimation.
Rather than a person’s will, actual abilities, and potential abilities being the site of the mistaken assessment, everything else in the world is the subject of mistaken assessment. More specifically, the perfectionist who believes that she should be able to control all the factors and conditions that contribute to her achievement makes a catastrophic error in judgment.
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By expecting to control everything, she puts herself in an impossible situation where there are at least two outcomes. One is that she will resent anything and anyone whom she sees as thwarting her actions and achievements. That resentment may well become toxic. The other option is that she directs her focus inward and makes the judgment that she is a moral failure. Regardless of which path she travels, her agency is deeply compromised.
Perfectionists tend to make themselves the exception to the rules or standards that apply to others.
One strain of perfectionism will manifest in a sense of superiority. These perfectionists tend to think they leave the rest of us behind with no chance of catching up.
The second and more common strain of perfectionism, especially for those of us who struggle with addiction, manifests in blameworthiness, self-recrimination, and inferiority. The inferiority strain often involves overestimators overestimating what they are responsible for.
Taking responsibility for what is not properly yours will lead to more blame and self-recrimination. If we see ourselves as pretty much responsible for everything, including matters well beyond our control, we will always fail. This will reinforce our view that we are worthless.
Turning everything into an obligation
One final dynamic of perfectionism that harms people is turning wants and needs into a series of shoulds and obligations. A perfectionist with a “shoulding” habit turns everything into obligations, which carries the potential for catastrophic failure. It is impossible to meet all the demands created by our goals and wants.
We cannot be in two places at the same time, no matter how much we think we should be able to do so. People struggling with addiction may be especially susceptible to this dynamic because we may believe that in meeting impossible demands, we are atoning for all our past transgressions.
