Dirty talk sounds easy until you actually have to do it. Suddenly that sexy line that sounded effortless in your head feels embarrassing coming out of your mouth. Are you supposed to narrate what you’re doing? Tell your partner exactly what you want? And how explicit is too explicit?
If you feel frozen when you or a partner tries to initiate dirty talk during sex, you’re not alone. “Dirty talk can feel awkward because it is not something many of us practice,” says certified sex therapist Ilina Grines, LMFT. Oftentimes when we put words to desires we aren’t used to expressing out loud, “there is some shame or feelings of judgment that follow. As a clinician, I have found that the more people talk ‘dirty,’ the more comfortable they become with the act of dirty talk during or outside of sex.”
Most of us weren’t taught how to talk about physical pleasure. So many of us don’t have strong vocabulary around it, or know how to start using dirty talk to make sex hotter and tell our partners what we like. If you like the idea of dirty talk or know that it turns you on in porn or sexting, and want to bring it into your bedroom, here’s how to get started and get better at it. We even have some inspiration for phrases you can try.
How to Get Better at Dirty Talk
Start with language that actually sounds like you. “The biggest mistake people make when trying to dirty talk is overthinking it. They believe they have to sound like porn actors, or things they have seen in movies,” says Grines.
Dirty talk requires you to be present to understand your partner and their language around their desires. Always discuss whether degrading names, insults, and the use of power roles are welcome before introducing them. For folks with a degradation kink, these kinds of dirty talk might sound great. For others, dirty talk is more about complimenting their appearance or performance, or walking them through what you want them to do to you or themselves. The more you ask, the better prepared you are.
Talking to your partner about introducing dirty talk into your romps should be fun. Be curious and open to ideas you hadn’t considered. Sometimes, the hottest, most creative ideas aren’t something someone has already seen in porn, so don’t expect a recreation of that.
Pro tip: Ask your partner if they like answering questions or just listening and responding with their body. Some people love to hear their partner talk dirty to them, but being put on the spot and asked to answer a question (especially an open-ended one) when they’re not prepared can take them out of the moment. Others will love being asked something that gives them a chance to do some dirty talk of their own.
10 Dirty Talk Examples to Try
Not sure where to begin? These scripts range from relatively tame to more explicit. Adapt them to sound natural to you and only use sexual language you have established your partner is comfortable with.
- “I love being this close to you.”
Grines recommends this as an easy starting point because it focusses on your shared intimacy.
- “You look so fucking sexy right now. I love it when you look up at me like that.”
Compliments are one of the easiest gateways to dirty talk. Tell your partner exactly what you find attractive about them. The more specific, the better—that shows you’re really seeing and appreciating them, not just repeating something you heard or have said before.
- “I love hearing you make those sounds. When you moan and press your hips against me, it drives me crazy.”
Tell her how her reaction is turning you on, and get specific about what you like about it. Lines like these communicate that you’re paying attention to her pleasure.
- “I love it when you swirl your tongue like that.”
If something feels great, say so. You can talk dirty while simultaneously giving your partner useful feedback.
Related: Your Prostate Could Be a Pleasure Button. Here’s How to Press It
- “You feel so fucking good. I love the way your mouth feels on me.”
Follow Grines’ advice to engage your senses. Describe what you can feel, see, smell, hear, and taste rather than worrying about inventing an elaborate line.
- “Tell me where you want me to touch you.”
You can also invite her to communicate what she wants. Be receptive and ready to try what she suggests.
- “I want to make you come. Then I want to fill you up.”
If you’re both comfortable being more explicit, say exactly what you want to do.
- “Tell me exactly how you want me to fuck you. I want you to use me however you like.”
This takes the explicitness to another level while giving her control over what happens next.
- “Tell me how bad you want it.”
You can incorporate dirty talk into acts like teasing and edging, and use this line after a long foreplay session when you know your partner is eager for more.
- “I want to hear you come for me. Will you be a good girl and come for me?”
For partners who enjoy commanding dirty talk and role play, turn what you want into an instruction. Dominant language can be hot, but establish beforehand it’s something your partner enjoys. And remember, making a demand can put pressure on your partner, and one like this isn’t always within their control. Be patient and don’t rush them.
Related: Want to Explore Squirting? These Are the Best Methods to Help Your Partner Get There
What if Dirty Talk Gets Awkward?
If you attempt your sexiest line and your partner bursts out laughing, don’t worry, the night isn’t ruined yet.
“If something is funny, laugh! Recovery is so much about communication and knowing that we are all human and will not say everything perfectly,” says Grines. If your partner welcomes another attempt at dirty talk, try saying it differently and watch how they respond. Sometimes things don’t land, and sometimes it’s not even about the phrase, but the general vibe in the moment. When you’re both super horny, certain phrases that otherwise wouldn’t be a turn-on can be incredibly sexy. The more you try it, the more you’ll get a feel for when dirty talk will work.
If the dirty talk wasn’t welcome at all, stop using it, check in with your partner, and respect whatever their preference is. Ultimately, getting better at dirty talk is about being comfortable communicating about what feels good.
