Just the other day, during a counseling session, Beth, who is the mother of 10-year-old Daniel, before she even sat down, said, “It came out of nowhere.” Obviously curious, I asked Beth (I am using different names for both her and Daniel) what she meant. Beth described to me how the day before, one minute Daniel “seemed fine” and then the next minute there was a “whole lot of screaming” from Daniel in response to Beth attempting to limit his screen time. As if the yelling was not stressful enough, for an encore, Daniel reportedly kept his meltdown going with crying, door slamming, and big-time arguing, followed by the silence of a complete emotional shutdown.
After more than 35 years of working with children and families, I have found that child meltdowns such as Daniel’s rarely come out of nowhere. Most children show warning signs before they become emotionally reactive. This post is about how to spot and manage those warning signs, or what are often referred to as “red flags,” before they get out of hand.
Below are two important red flags that your child may be approaching the point of emotional overload. Let me stress that while the emphasis of this post is about younger children from the ages of 6 through preteens, it can also apply to teens, and even adult children who tend to be less able to have calm, constructive conversations (what I often call being on the “bottle it up and explode later plan”).
Red Flag #1: Small Problems Suddenly Feel Huge
For a younger child, a small problem that becomes disproportionately huge could be a sibling sitting in their spot. Or, for pretty much any age, as in the case of Daniel, asking a child to stop playing a video game could cause more than mild annoyance.
Yet in many cases, the precipitating situation can be even more layered. Recently, a parent shared with me about their 12-year-old daughter who lost it over not being able to find the right sweatshirt that she wanted to wear to an extended family picnic. As backstory, this same girl had confided in me some significant body image concerns and how she treasured that sweatshirt that she felt more comfortable wearing. She especially wanted to wear it to the upcoming family gathering because a not-very-tactful aunt who would also be attending recently told this girl that she had gained some weight.
The common catalyst for reactivity in all the above examples is that when the child is emotionally overloaded, any small disappointment can suddenly feel enormous. And, that is where I hear parents and children themselves recount those meltdown-specific phrases such as:
“This is totally unfair and it’s my worst day ever!”
“Why does everyone hate me?”
“You never let me do anything!”
Where parents fall down is focusing on the content of what the upset child is saying rather than what the child is actually thinking and feeling. Usually, lurking under the surface are overthinking loops that are gathering speed and intensity. As I wrote in my book, 24 Hours to a Less Reactive Child, the intensity of the reaction often tells you more than the actual problem.
If you picture your child’s nervous system as a cup that has been slowly filling throughout the day, you will be more able to see what is really going on under the surface. Stressors such as school pressure, friendship problems, being tired, hunger, embarrassment, sensory overload, worries, or you name it, may already have filled the cup almost to the top. And then “wham!”, the missing sweatshirt is simply the final drop.
So, to all you rational parents out there, instead of arguing about whether the problem is “really a big deal,” try recognizing what is happening underneath it. For example, you might calmly say, “This situation seems like it is hitting you really hard right now.” Hopefully, you can see that such a response is not about agreement with your child’s unreasonable behavior. Rather, it means you are noticing the emotional storm (and calming your child by helping them feel understood) before trying to minimize or even solve the problem.
Red Flag #2: Your Child’s Language Becomes More Narrow
You are likely well-aware that when your child is becoming overwhelmed, their thinking often becomes narrower and more rigid. That takes us to a second warning sign that I often hear about when children and parents unpack meltdown episodes is a sudden loss of seeing (and wording) things as more flexible. The signs of this more rigid, narrower view are your child demanding that things happen “now,” or in a certain way, or that they are like a broken record pushing you for a “yes'” to their requests. If you are like most parents, you then give even more explanations (in an attempt to broaden the child’s reasoning), which often make things worse.
Some familiar sound bites of what these parents say are:
“But I already explained why, how many ways do I need to tell you the answer is no?”
“We talked about it, it is not happening and, you already knew we can’t do that tonight.”
“Why are you making such a big deal about this?”
These parent explanations are reasonable, but when your child’s emotional temperature rises, your greatest influence often comes from resisting the urge to rise with them. To get concrete and practical, in contrast to the typical parent responses above, try lowering your voice, using fewer words (think “less is more”), and staying warm but firm. For example, you could say, “I can see you’re really upset. The answer is still not today, and I’m here when you’re ready.”
The Takeaway
When you learn to spot meltdown warning signs earlier, you may have a much better chance of helping your child calm back down before the emotional storm takes over. To be clear, you are not going to prevent every meltdown. But being on the lookout for small problems that feel huge and your child’s narrower thinking can be strong signals for you to respond with empathy and reasonable boundaries. By doing so, you can help your child gradually learn that intense feelings can exist without needing to control everyone around them.
