In my work coaching parents of struggling adult children, I have a front-row seat to longstanding, painful relationships being worked through and improved. Not surprisingly, the parents who reach out to me feel rejected, blamed, or straight-up emotionally drained and exhausted. In their own right, many adult children feel misunderstood, judged (e.g., “You always invalidate me!”), or unable to get past old, yet persistent hurts. What’s heartwarming, though, is when I see many of these relationships change for the better, sometimes dramatically.
Please hear that those parents and adult children who become closer don’t get there because one person finally proves that the other person is wrong. Rather, they make positive inroads in their connection to one another because they begin relating to each other differently, even if it usually begins with one party. That may seem to be very obvious, but trust me, relationship gains can be very elusive yet these three positive lessons I’ve repeatedly seen positively transform relationships in parents and adult children.
1. They Learned That Two Truths Can Exist at the Same Time
The reality that more than one perspective can exist seems to elude many parents and adult children in conflict. It is amazing, though, how some of the biggest breakthroughs occur when parents and adult children stop treating their relationship like a courtroom litigation chamber. For example, one parent I worked with had a hard time seeing beyond their truth: “I did the best I knew how to do.” Clearly, that belief can be valid, but why can’t it coexist with the adult child having the belief, “Some things that happened really left me feeling hurt”?
We can flip this as well by saying that an adult child may have legitimate complaints, yet they may behave in ways that are hurtful and unfair to their parents. So, in this case, the parent can love their adult child very deeply yet still hold some much needed boundaries so as not to become human punching bags.
As I write in my book, You Ruined My Life—Now You Owe Me!: How to stop rescuing, reduce conflict, and help your adult child move forward, true healing comes from more flexible thinking. And usually, when you extend yourself with more flexible thinking—seeing beyond just your own truth—relationship healing starts to occur. The key here is that there is a shift from struggling with “Whose version is correct?” to “Can I make room for your experience without erasing my own?” As I have seen repeatedly, that’s a very different conversation and one that paves the way for relationship improvement.
2. They Begin Seeing Limitations Instead of Character Flaws
As long as we are alive and deal with life’s demands, we all realize that we have our own limitations. A close friend of mine often says, “The only perfect people are in the cemetery.” Not surprisingly, relationships become a heck of a lot safer when parents and adult children learn to stop weaponizing each other’s limitations.
This is a subtle shift, but I’ve watched it transform relationships. I get that it may be tempting to think your adult daughter is selfish, especially if she has done things to hurt you. But what do you lose by shifting that perception to “My daughter has trouble seeing beyond what she is feeling when she becomes overwhelmed”? Let me answer for you: You lose only feeling like a victim, and you gain the ability to see the situation more accurately.
I’m not saying you should excuse hurtful behavior. Accountability still matters in relationships for sure. But seeing your adult child through the lens of limitations rather than character defects goes a long way to reduce feelings of contempt that will only keep fueling misunderstandings and rifts.
3. They Stopped Making the Negative the Whole Story
When relationships become strained by conflict, our brains set us up for even more disappointment. Just this week I had a parent coaching client share with me how they noticed every unanswered text, dismissive comment, and a questionable decision from their adult daughter. Clearly, this negative cloud can extend both ways as adult children share with me how they may notice every criticism, unwanted suggestion, or unpleasant reminders of the past.
Relationships Essential Reads
My point here is that when parents and adult children focus on “evidence” to build a case for the same conclusion such as, “See? Nothing yet has changed,” their relationship suffers, big time. With that in mind, I’m a big believer in harnessing the power of “wins” that do occur in relationships. That means noticing positive differences that can be put to work. This could mean the adult child expressing concern over the health of their father, or maybe the mother notices her adult child expressing appreciation. Or perhaps both become more aware of conversations that end without friction or arguments.
Closing Thoughts
When parents and adult children strive to change their perceptions in these ways, their relationships get closer. Don’t stand on ceremony waiting for the other person to go first. Trust yourself, the process, and the positive shifts that’ll likely come your way.
