“It’s not happening,” you tell yourself. But you know it is. It’s just easier to look the other way, assign blame, ignore advice, and bury your head.
Whether facing redundancy, infidelity, or death, we don’t realize we’re in denial, refusing to accept threatening or disruptive reality.
But the mythical ostrich must eventually raise its head. What it sees depends on how long it has stayed down and what happened in the meantime. The result of this ultimate defense mode is not only missed moments but lost credibility, and frequently, regret.
So how does it start?
Egotism can play a contributing role. Proud people don’t want to accept that their views or interpretation of the world are flawed. We want to believe our children never lie, parents will live forever, and colleagues want us to succeed.
In her book, Margaret Heffernan calls it willful blindness. It’s a blind spot and deaf spot combined. We see and hear only what we want. Yet there’s a difference between hope and denial. Hope says, “This might work out,” while denial says, “This isn’t happening.”
The self-deception is fueled by wishful thinking and low coping skills. Deniers may feel they can’t manage the upheaval, shame, or pain. Often, that’s true. Golman, Hagmann and Loewenstein refer to information avoidance. It may seem more attractive. Yet procrastination simply defers inevitable adjustment.
The underlying process of denial often appears similar, whether it’s a failing marriage, impending redundancy or a dying relative. But the emotion, social consequences and responses differ.
How to Recognise and Respond to Denial
Seven signals suggest you’re living in a protected bubble. Before considering the solutions offered by behavioral science, ask yourself if you repeat any of these narratives. Is there a pattern? If several sound familiar, take note.
The first four signals relate to dismissing disconfirming evidence.
- “You must be wrong.”
We tune out contrarian voices, despite experience, history, or factual evidence. It’s status-agnostic. People hate bad news. For instance, research finds investors don’t review their accounts as frequently in a bear market. A person who dismisses repeated financial warnings as “bad luck” assumes others are wrong.
What to do? Ask what would make you change your mind. If no new data point or advice persuades you to shift, you’re in denial mode and likely downgrading others’ opinions.
- “That’s nonsense.”
We live in denial when we dismiss contrary arguments, advice, or opinion, and only prioritize data consistent with beliefs. A bad manager thinks resigning employees are ‘bitter leavers.’ Some CEOs, politicians and even Presidents are convinced about their fitness for office despite popular opinion.
Look for patterns, not just exceptions. Count and date events as a record. One happy client doesn’t cancel the need to review ten unhappy clients. The trend reveals the truth, as occasionally peers do.
- “What do peers think?”
People in denial tend to shrink their circle to those who agree with them. This echo chamber shows up in the workplace, church hall, and sports club.
We seek selective exposure to like-minded thinkers. Similarly, conspiracy theorists and climate deniers all believe they’re right.
Escaping the bubble means inviting perspectives from dissenters. They have less to lose by telling you the truth. And usually, are delighted to do so.
- “They haven’t a clue.”
People in denial shoot the messenger. Deniers can belittle naysayers, ridicule or even attack dissenters as clueless, misinformed, jealous, or intellectually inferior. Sometimes, all of the above. They refuse to discuss the controversial topic, protecting their comforting view. The more emotionally distressing the reality, the greater the denial, like hearing the diagnosis of a terminally ill child or parental decline.
Science suggests a solution. One evidence-based strategy is to consider the opposite view. Professional debaters do this convincingly. Research shows this can reduce misjudgment and singular perspectives.
The next two signs involve avoidance and delay.
- “It’s just a one-off.”
People living in a bubble minimize contrary arguments or trivialize warnings until it’s too late. When we’re in denial mode, we consider any unethical transgression, suspicious absence, ‘working late’ excuse, or bank account anomaly a one-off. The same goes for medical complaints. “It’s only a crusty freckle, not a potential melanoma.” We justify the position and make excuses.
Set a tripwire. You can decide in advance what will trigger action. For instance, “If the freckle changes, I book the appointment.” Or “If the transgression is material, I’ll report it.”
- “I’ll deal with it later.”
We defer action, from refusing to fix a leaky tap to admitting gambling or alcoholism. It becomes about timing.
You won’t address it ‘yet’. But ‘not yet’ never ends.
Explore what’s stopping the acceptance of reality. By naming the fear aloud, you give it focus. Fear tends to shrink when it has both an identifiable label and a deadline.
- “That’s not me.”
The final sign concerns identity. We see the denial tendency in others far quicker than ourselves. If you’re now thinking of someone else, look within. It’s a blind spot.
A simple solution exists. Ask someone you trust, “What am I not seeing?” Don’t argue. Just listen and consider if it might be true. Denying redundancy or bereavement makes us miserable for longer.
As I write in TUNE IN: How to Make Smarter Decisions in a Noisy World, behavioral solutions seem obvious to the misjudgment problem. The problem is we tune in too late.
Some argue denial has value. It protects in a crisis. Taylor and Brown argue that positive illusions can support wellbeing. Buying time can be a temporary band-aid. The cost of avoidance depends on the depth and duration of denial. A missed cancer diagnosis or failed marriage could have been prevented; a loved one might have had a more meaningful goodbye.
All seven signs of denial reveal something we’re actively resisting and rationalizing. The ostrich doesn’t bury its head. We do. Turning a blind eye or a deaf ear hurts more in the long run.
It’s time to burst the bubble.
