Several older understandings of the word courage are associated with words related to “heart.” What can we make of this connection between courage and heart? We could say that it takes courage to follow our hearts. This can happen when we are determined to live in accord with a heartfelt value that isn’t popular. Our hearts can also get involved in other ways, helping us act courageously.
Courage, Fear and Risks
It may seem silly to suggest that a decision involving no fear and little or no risk somehow requires courage. An inherent relationship seems to exist between acting courageously, feeling fear, and taking a risk. A risk exists when a choice’s outcome could involve loss or danger. Courage involves feeling scared, facing that fear, and acting anyway.
Bringing Heartfelt Kindness to Acting Courageously
I have asked dozens and dozens of people what they feared when considering acting courageously. Inevitably, I heard the same response again and again. They feared an unfavorable outcome from the risk they took, that someone might be hurt or harmed.
I then asked another question: How do you feel about yourself when the outcome of your choice is unfavorable? People responded similarly, saying they felt inadequate, stupid, unforgivable, incompetent, and unlovable. I quickly noticed that my own experience mirrored theirs. We responded to an inauspicious result not simply with remorse or sorrow, but by launching disparaging remarks about our characters.
What Do We Really Fear?
Obviously, we’re not eager for an adverse outcome of the courageous action we undertake. However, even when asked, with the same information, would you take the same action again? Most people were ready to do it again. I then asked, with the same unfavorable outcome, would you beat yourself up again? The response was, “I likely would.”
We are certainly concerned about the outcomes of our choices. However, unless something tragic happens, we seem to fear how harshly we will treat ourselves when something less than positive occurs. It makes taking a risk and calling for courage much less appealing.
The practice is to offer yourself kindness when the consequences of your choices aren’t highly advantageous. Maybe suffering through the results is plenty. We can feel regret and sadness. We don’t need to turn against ourselves, too. Such mistreatment doesn’t make us better at making choices. When we believe we will do our best to remain kind to ourselves, we become more risk-friendly and more ready to face our fears courageously.
An Extra Benefit of Kindness
Kindness can also relieve the endless striving of perfectionism. When an adverse consequence can define our worth, we either cut back on taking risks or embrace future risks with the possibility of redemption. The latter option is what drives perfectionism. If we refuse to attack ourselves after a less-than-auspicious outcome, we can appreciate acting courageously without any guarantee of a particular outcome. Being kind to ourselves frees us from an endless quest to get life right, reminding us that, through kindness, we’re getting ourselves right and, if we’re lucky, letting life help with the process.
We live at a time of unparalleled divisiveness. It results in surviving rather than thriving. As trust erodes, we focus more on protecting ourselves from accusations coming from across the aisle. We also devote time and energy to launching our own aggressive attacks. Tribalism walls us off from beliefs and values different from ours, and we lose the deep sense of belonging that unity consciousness provides. The fences that separate us from others can also separate us from ourselves.
Kindness. Yes, kindness is the medicine that helps us be more risk-friendly, more courageous, and more willing to make peace with our imperfect humanity. Maybe unity consciousness can begin as an inside job.
