Why do we immediately assume that someone’s bad mood is about us? Oftentimes, we take a little bit of information or one shift in someone’s behavior and make it about us. We start to replay comments, reread text exchanges, or critically assess what we said and how we said it. It’s exhausting, and most of the time, it’s not warranted.
A new narrative begins to write itself, and suddenly, you are the main culprit. This isn’t ideal, but it makes sense. We are wired to pay attention to details as they pertain to our relationships and interactions. But being aware of how the mood or vibe changes in a room doesn’t mean we need to absorb it all. For a serial fixer, this is often where awareness turns into ownership.
When we take bits of information or observations and leave our brains to their own emotional, urgent devices, we can create unnecessary anxiety. Our brains don’t love uncertainty, so when we don’t have all the context or information, we begin to fill in the blanks. And of course, the database we have unlimited access to? It’s all about us. Our own experiences, insecurities, and past interactions.
We’ve all been there, in one form or another. Perhaps it’s a colleague who typically comes into the office and greets you with a warm hello, but one morning barely acknowledges you. Within minutes, you’re replaying your last interactions, questioning how quickly you responded to her email yesterday or whether you said something wrong in Monday’s meeting.
You’ve slipped out of the present and are now shuffling through the past while anticipating the discomfort you might feel in the future. Meanwhile, your colleague may have had a challenging morning, and her balloon is already full by 9 a.m. Her behavior may have nothing to do with you, but you’re now spinning, looking for reassurance, and using up valuable energy that could be directed toward the tasks waiting on your to-do list.
For those who tend to struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, or managing others’ emotions, those blanks often get filled with something negative. If you grew up having to be hyperfocused on others’ emotions in an attempt to manage your own discomfort, you may be more prone to scanning the room, noticing every little change, and then taking responsibility for it.
This is a valuable skill, and I’m not suggesting that you disconnect or ignore how our behavior impacts others. The pendulum doesn’t need to swing completely in the opposite direction. It’s about noticing when we’re responding to old patterns and letting past coping techniques become our primary filter for interpreting what’s happening around us.
Hypervigilance or being two steps ahead may have been a necessity in a previous chapter of your life. You might also be operating in a workplace or family culture that fuels urgency, provides little or unclear communication, or leaves you fighting for feedback and affirmation. These environments can leave you filling in the missing pieces and taking ownership of what isn’t yours to carry.
Finding and maintaining that sweet spot between being aware of others’ emotions and deciding what’s yours to carry is challenging, but worth the effort. Your brain will likely continue noticing and interpreting information just as quickly. What we’re working on is how much authority we give those initial interpretations before deciding what to do next.
Eager to get some new kinds of reps in? Here are three ways to insert a little logic to balance out those intense, emotionally driven “what ifs” and help you stay present rather than racing ahead.
1. Pause Before Reacting
Practice tolerating the unknown rather than rushing to fix something before you have the facts. Resist the urge to immediately explain, apologize, send another message, or ask what’s wrong. Perhaps you’ve noticed something unusual or received information that feels conflicting. But take a breath. You have some check-in work to do before you take ownership and take action.
Not every uncomfortable observation requires an immediate response. Give yourself permission to sit with a little uncertainty before deciding what, if anything, needs to happen next.
2. Fact-Check Your Story
Be aware of the story you’re telling yourself. What you observed may be accurate, but your interpretation might not be. This involves fighting back against the urge to let one moment or one response override the history of a relationship, whether that history is long or short. Ask yourself,
“What do I know?”
“What evidence do I have?”
“Is this how this person typically communicates or behaves?”
Your initial response isn’t necessarily your most accurate one. You can question it, challenge it, and even change your mind as more information becomes available. You don’t have to treat your first interpretation as the final answer.
3. Seek Clarity, Not Reassurance
Circle back or ask questions that are driven by curiosity, not anxiety. There’s a difference between wanting to understand something and wanting someone else to relieve your discomfort. If you’re primarily looking to be soothed or reassured, give yourself more time to try to find this internally before outsourcing it and perhaps making things more complicated.
This is also where “I statements” can be effective. Share what you’ve observed rather than what you’ve assumed. Beginning with “I’ve noticed…” allows you to open a conversation without assigning blame or jumping to conclusions. For example, “I’ve noticed you’ve been a little quieter than usual. Is everything okay?” opens the door for conversation without immediately making yourself the center of it.
But you might also give yourself some time before asking anything at all. Notice how much real estate the situation takes up in your mind. Does it grow in importance, or does it quickly move in and out of your awareness as you go about your day?
The objective isn’t to be passive or refrain from asking questions. It’s to become more aware of your motives and your timing. Sometimes you may discover that the situation didn’t require your involvement in the first place.
Not everything is about you, and that just might be the most relieving thing you hear all week!
