Are your head and heart websites, so to speak—meaning, are they still filled with the remnants, or “cobwebs,” of a previous relationship? Well, you might want to go “cobwebbing” then and remove all of them. “Cobwebbing,” a term popularized by the dating app Bumble, means clearing away any “threads” that may be keeping you mentally or emotionally tied to an ex.
How Do You Do ‘Cobwebbing’
This is not the same as spider-webbing, which I’ve described before for “A Funny Bone to Pick” as trapping someone in a bad, toxic relationship—a much creepier thing to do. No, cobwebbing is the opposite. It’s about you getting away.
Cobwebbing entails getting rid of any physical reminders of your ex—like that Slanket that you used to cuddle together in, that alpaca figurine that was your birthday gift from your ex, or that lair that you used to share. Oh, and if your ex is somehow still hanging out with you in some way, your ex would qualify as a physical reminder of your ex.
Cobwebbing can be about simply discarding such objects or perhaps donating them to charity or someone else. Of course, some things—say, your ex or an apartment—may not be so easy to just throw down the trash chute or carry to Goodwill. In such cases, you may have to be the one who leaves and maintains as much physical distance as possible. This can include establishing very clear boundaries.
Oh, and don’t forget about the digital reminders, too. That includes deleting your ex’s digits—meaning that person’s contact info—photos, messages, playlists, and other such things from your phone, watch, computer, and appliances. It can be a good idea to unfollow your ex on social media as well, because do you really need to see your ex post stuff like “Living my best life,” “Humbled to share that…,” or “Ugh, 20 people told me I looked hot today, so annoying?”
If you find it difficult to discard any of these things, that may be a clear sign that you are still holding on to your ex in some way. After all, nothing should be completely irreplaceable short of an original copy of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa—which really should be in the Louvre, by the way—or the inventory logs for Area 51. The only other exception may be if you and your ex had kids together, which aren’t so easy to put in the trash bin, of course.
Why Cobwebbing Can Be Important
Without such cobwebbing, the risk is that your ex will continue to haunt you—to live rent-free in your head and heart. And since both of those locations are like attics in that they don’t have unlimited headroom and heartroom, such cobwebs may leave little space for anyone new. Still thinking about and having feelings for your ex—even if those feelings are resentment and hatred—could end up jeopardizing any future relationship.
Plus, chances are any potential quality dates—those who can sense who you are and what you are feeling—will also have some kind of Spidey sense for cobwebs in you. Such cobwebs can end up spooking them because no one of good quality will want to play second fiddle to an ex of yours for long. You could end up being like some kind of creepy attic where the only ones willing to enter are the ghouls and goblins.
Moreover, any remaining entanglements with your ex can keep you from moving on with your life in general. This can keep you caught cycling through denial, grief, regret, anger, resentment, and all those other emotions that accompany a breakup in the near term. As a result, you may never learn and heal properly from this previous relationship.
What If You Find Cobwebbing to Be Too Difficult
Now, getting rid of anything that’s been a significant part of your life can initially seem scary. You may be tempted to hold on to keepsakes and the memories so that all the time you spent with your ex doesn’t seem to be a waste. But tell yourself that it wasn’t a waste, because the true keepsakes from previous relationships are the experience, lessons, and wisdom gained.
It may feel easier to gradually rid yourself of the cobwebs. That may work if you establish a clear end point and stay on schedule. The risk, otherwise, is procrastinating and stretching out the cobwebbing process to infinity and beyond.
Therefore, a better alternative may be choosing a single purge day to sweep away everything. While doing so, avoid examining or reading through anything too much—unless it contains something like key crypto account information or the map to help Odysseus return home to Ithaca. Otherwise, you may end up reminiscing and becoming too attached to the items.
If all of this is still too hard, then consider enlisting the aid of someone else, like a friend or a professional. Someone else may be more objective and, thus, more ruthless about tossing things. A friend can tell you stuff like, “Do you really need that banana slicer?”
Once you clear all the cobwebs, you may be pleasantly surprised at how clear your mind and heart feel as a result. Yes, it can be dangerous to stay on the web, so to speak, and remain haunted by an ex. Because it’s only after your headroom and heartroom are truly clear of cobwebs that you can clear the way for someone new to move in—someone who may be a better fit for you.
