Every day I read articles and posts about the growing divisiveness in the world. It is difficult to have a conversation with anyone whose opinions differ from our own.
Not only are we becoming increasingly judgmental, but our quickness to disrespectfully react with ridicule or contempt is also damaging our relationships and our health. Judgment triggers tension. Your breathing quickens. Your heart and blood pressure rise. Your face flushes, your thoughts narrow, and you feel a jolt of self-protection. Your reaction might range from a mumbled cynical remark to a personal attack on the speaker’s intelligence.
However, biting your tongue so you don’t say anything is still harmful. The stress from suppressing negative reactions can weaken the immune system, strain your cardiac and digestive systems, and affect your sleep.1
It’s also likely people will feel the energy of your negative emotions even if you have mastered keeping your face blank. Small gestures, like pursing your lips or looking at your hands, might indicate your displeasure with what was said.
The impact of your reactions can damage trust and adversely affect the outcome of your conversations. You might shame people into compliant silence, or they resentfully, and often with a louder tone, explain themselves, which could increase your judgmental reaction.
Why we are judgmental
We are all judgmental by nature. Anyone who says they don’t judge just isn’t aware of when they do. You may be less critical than others you know, but you can’t help being biased and judgmental.2 The brain’s primary job is to keep you safe. For survival, your brain needs to recognize situations that can be hurtful because sometimes they are.
The brain is always judging if situations are good or bad, right or wrong before you can determine if your brain is wrong or, at least, not helpful.
Your brain is reactive, but you have the power to override your judgment by first noticing your judgment as an emotional reaction. Emotional awareness frees you to choose what you want to feel instead.3 You probably will never be free of judgmental reactions, but you don’t have to be the victim of these responses. With practice, you can decrease both the frequency and amplitude of your reactions.
Practicing emotional choice
- Familiarize yourself with how your body signals your emotional reactions. Do you feel it in your stomach, shoulders, chest, sweaty palms, or somewhere else? You might feel tightness in your jaw or your toes.
- Notice what habitually triggers your judgment. If you track your emotional states during the day, you can better define situations and behaviors that trigger strong judgmental reactions. Use this emotional inventory to help you monitor your emotions and moods for two to three weeks. This will help you develop your self-awareness.
- Look for patterns. You might find you are more vulnerable in specific situations or time periods when you are tired or hungry. This awareness can help you prepare for difficult conversations and better regulate your emotional state.
- Choose another emotion to embody. What would you rather feel instead of judgment? Do you want to feel calm, compassionate, or curious? Maybe you can shift to being amused if the subject is not that important? Before you go into a conversation, pick one emotional state you want to maintain. When you notice your judgment arising, think of the one emotion you want to feel instead and breathe it into your body to help you shift your emotions to this state.
- Celebrate your wins at the end of each day. The brain needs evidence of success before it will work with you to change your habits. Instead of beating yourself up for being reactive, make note of the times you were able to decrease your impatience or you set a boundary around conversation topics to maintain positive connections. Find a meaningful way to celebrate your wins so your brain seeks this reward and supports your growth.
- Be diligent with your practice, and forgive yourself when you slip. Habits take time to both embed and outweigh old habits. New habits require continual application until they become the natural way of responding. Because of the brain’s insistence on protecting you, you will relapse and act judgmentally. Remember you are human, then keep practicing.
Bonus tip: Eat and sleep well. Your patience is impaired by sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, noise pollution, excessive conflict, money problems, and a shortage of friends.
Your ability to remain in control of your judgmental reactions is your power to manage your stress and maintain healthy relationships.
