Have you ever spent hours trying to figure out why someone did something that hurt you? Whether it’s a family member, partner, or co-worker, it’s easy to spiral around endless “why” questions.
“Why would they say that?”
“Why would they do that?”
“Why didn’t they respond to me?”
“Why are they being so annoying?”
When someone hurts us, our brains want an explanation. We assume that if we can understand the reason behind someone’s behavior, we’ll feel better about what happened. As a psychotherapist, I’ve spent my whole career trying to understand why people do what they do. Understanding behavior can be useful. But there’s a point when asking “why” stops producing insight and starts producing a downward spiral of rumination.
Rumination is a pattern of repetitive thinking about distressing experiences and their possible causes and consequences. Research by Nolen-Hoeksema and colleagues (2008) found that rumination can intensify negative emotions, interfere with problem-solving, and contribute to depression and anxiety. You might spend three hours analyzing someone’s childhood, attachment style, personality, and possible motivations. You might even arrive at a compelling explanation.
But then what?
The Insight Trap
Understanding why someone did something doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their behavior. Explanation is not a synonym for excuse, but the two can get conflated. Someone can have perfectly understandable reasons for behaving in ways you find unacceptable. But when we’re focused on understanding someone else’s internal world, we can lose sight of our own experience.
Research on repetitive negative thinking suggests that getting caught in analysis can maintain emotional distress, while more concrete forms of processing may support effective problem-solving (Watkins, 2008). In other words, analyzing a situation and responding to it are two different activities. You can spend an enormous amount of energy attempting to understand someone’s motivations without making a single decision about what you want to do next.
External Locus of Control: When Someone Else Holds the Answers
Psychologist Julian Rotter (1966) introduced the concept of locus of control, which refers to whether people believe the outcomes in their lives are primarily influenced by their own actions or by external forces. People with a more external locus of control tend to attribute outcomes to circumstances, luck, or other people, while those with a more internal locus of control tend to believe their own actions can influence outcomes.
When we become consumed with understanding why someone behaved a certain way, we can inadvertently place our ability to move forward in someone else’s hands. We convince ourselves that we need an explanation, an apology, or some kind of acknowledgment before we can decide what to do. Our attention becomes focused on something outside our control: another person’s thoughts, feelings, and motivations.
An internal locus of control recognizes the influence we have over our own actions and decisions. We can’t control whether someone tells the truth, offers an apology, or changes their behavior. But we can decide what we’re willing to accept, what conversations we want to have, and what steps we’re prepared to take. We can acknowledge that someone hurt us without needing to solve the mystery of why.
Three Steps to Get Unstuck from Rumination
Here’s a simple shift that can save you hours of spiraling.
Step 1: Name It
Instead of asking, “Why did they do that?” try saying, “I don’t like that they did that.”
Step 2: Own It
Once you recognize you do not like a behavior, ask yourself, “What are my choices?”
Locus of Control Essential Reads
Step 3: Do a Micro Yes
Once you identify your choices, take one step in the direction of one of those choices, no matter how small. The most microscopic step forward is preferable to none.
Here’s why this works.
Asking “why” disconnects us from our autonomy and choice power. Saying “I don’t like that they did that” brings our attention back to our own experience. Then, asking “What are my choices?” shifts our focus toward decisions and actions within our influence.
You might decide to have a conversation, establish a boundary, change your expectations, or reconsider the relationship. You might decide that the behavior isn’t worth addressing. You are empowered to make decisions regardless of whether you ever receive a satisfying explanation. You can understand someone’s behavior and still dislike it. You can empathize with someone’s circumstances and still refuse to accept bad behavior.
You may never get a satisfying answer to why someone did what they did. But you still get to decide what you do next.
