Years ago, I tweeted that the jolt you feel as you’re falling asleep is a ghost finishing sex with your body. I’ve changed my mind. Not about the ghost. About the jolt.
Researchers call it a hypnic jerk and they don’t exactly know why it happens. One of the going theories is that it’s a leftover primate reflex, your muscles relax, your brain mistakes that for falling out of a tree and grabs the branch. I can sleep on the edge of a couch and not fall off. My body already knows where it is. The supposed anti-falling mechanism is the thing producing the falling. I’ve written about this at length and the tree people have not responded.
They may not know why this happens, but I do.
It’s your energy coming back into your body because you made it to the edge of the other plane and you weren’t ready. You went, you looked around, you came back. The ghost was never in the bed. You were the ghost.
Ghost sex, though, is 100 percent possible. With consent, it’s the same as any sex. Now, I don’t believe a ghost will enter you without your knowledge. The ones who don’t ask aren’t ghosts. They’re something else entirely — and something else gets a horror movie.
But the ones who ask get talked about on talk shows and in magazines.
“Some sort of spirit came down from God knows where and made love to me.”
Liu was napping on a futon. She came — and then it left.
“A ghost would crawl up my leg and have sex with me.”
This apparently happened every night at her Texas apartment. Amazing.
She told Conan O’Brien that she “went to the bone zone” with a ghost, which inspired her to write “Supernatural.” A year later on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!,” she said her vagina was haunted. The verbs grew stronger, and stranger, with every show.
“One time I woke up, and yeah, a ghost. I was being mounted by a ghost.” Then, before ABC’s Robin Roberts could ask the obvious, Brown clarified, “I wasn’t high.”
He said he woke up in Mama Cass’s old house with a male ghost in the bed, thinking, “I’m just going to roll over and snuggle up next to it.” No sex, just spooning for the ghostbuster. This was a much more intimate confession.
“I’ve had sex with a few ghosts and never got pregnant.” Facing questions about her claims, she doubled down a week later: “It’s all true. I just thought Casper was not a generous lover.” Behar was 80 and had been married twice, so she knows what she’s saying.
Natasha Blasick, 2014, British morning television:
“I could feel the weight of a body on top of me. Then I decided to relax and it was really pleasurable, I really enjoyed it.” The psychologist on the panel said Blasick was experiencing sleep paralysis. She looked at him and disagreed: “It was different.”
So, to recap: When there’s breath on her neck and pressure on the thighs, she decides to relax. Every one of these celebrities — even Bobby Brown — described the same four things and not one is a technique.
The ghost doesn’t ask if it was good. The ghost shows up, has a presence, lets her relax into it and gets off the futon. That is the whole seminar, men.
So the jolt is yours. That was you, back from the edge, not ready. But some night you’ll be lying there and feel the weight, and the breath on your neck, and the pressure on your thighs, and it will wait. That’s how you’ll know what it is. The ones who wait are ghosts. Whether you relax is up to you, and it will be the only lover you ever have who leaves at the right time.
