“A baby’s cry to me was so overwhelming … it was like sensory pain.”
This is a quote from my colleague and ADHD coach, Clay Gill, during our conversation about the ins and outs of parenting with an ADHD brain. Clay explained that, before becoming a father, he had wondered whether he wanted children because he found the sound of babies crying so overwhelming. After his daughter was born, he experienced intense physical distress when she cried.
Clay described the feeling vividly: being unable to think clearly, experiencing an intenseurge to escape, and sometimes freezing or becoming very agitated.
We often think of sensory sensitivity as being associated with autism alone, yet a growing body of research suggests that many people with ADHD also experience heightened sensitivities to their environment, particularly in relation to auditory and visual processing.
As Clay articulately described, many adults with ADHD can modify their environments to accommodate for sensory sensitivity prior to having children: using noise cancelling headphones to avoid the grating sound of someone’s chewing, staying away from physical touch if it makes you irritable, staying indoors during bright sun. However, once children arrive on the scene, parents cannot always implement many of these sensory-saving habits. You must change the dirty diaper even as the baby squeals, follow your child’s story while being distracted by the too loud TV, or accompany your shy child to a chaotic birthday party in a event room with bright fluorescent lights.
For parents with ADHD, sensory overload may be particularly challenging. The noise, movement, and constant interruptions of family life can also place demands on the cognitive processes that are often difficult for people with ADHD: regulating attention, filtering distractions, and managing emotional responses.
Some ADHD parents I see in my clinical practice tell me that their sensory sensitivities make it hard to respond to their children in the way they would like to. For example, you may find yourself unintentionally snapping at your child for something minor. This often leads many parents with ADHD to experience guilt and shame, especially if you know your child did not do anything wrong.
So, what is a sensitive ADHD parent to do? Start with noticing when you feel this way: what are the sensory sensitivities that really challenge your ability to cope during family time? Which ones are a 10/10 stressful, and which ones are easier to handle?
Make a list and share it with a trusted support person, perhaps a co-parent. Create and share a plan for when you may need to leave a parenting situation, and which ones you can try to handle. For older children, explain your sensory sensitivities to them and ask their ideas on how you can all help manage better when the situation arises. Also, think about what helps you after your sensory sensitivities have been activated: a short walk, deep breathing, or some alone time.
Remember, being overwhelmed by the sensations of parenting does not mean you love your children any less. Nor does it mean you need to simply try harder to tolerate them. Understanding your sensory sensitivities and finding ways to work with your ADHD brain, rather than against it, can help you create a family environment that works better for everyone.
