How Trying the Opposite Can Help You Get Unstuck

This post was co-authored by Jeffrey B. Jackson, Ph.D., LMFT, Associate Professor at Brigham Young University.

”We need a new way of thinking to solve the problems caused by the old way of thinking.” –A. Einstein

A Gary Larson “Far Side” comic shows a boy pushing with all his might on a door to open it. A nearby sign reads “Midvale School for the Gifted.” And on the door, a single word: “Pull.”

No matter how smart we are, sometimes we end up managing things in our lives like this boy. When we encounter problems in our personal lives or our relationships, we do what we know how to do: We try harder. We explain more. We give more advice. We think harder. We try to control more. And the problem doesn’t budge. But what if the answer lies in changing direction rather than increasing our effort?

Interrupting Unhelpful Patterns

This idea of trying the opposite of what we’ve been doing comes from brief strategic therapy, an approach that examines how our attempted solutions may sometimes maintain or even worsen the problem we are trying to solve. The goal is to identify the pattern and respond in a way that interrupts it. Instead of trying harder, we may need to try something different. And trying the opposite can sometimes help us get unstuck.

For example, imagine a parent who is worried about some choices their teen is making. Reaching out with love and concern, the parent asks more questions. The teenager feels interrogated and shares less. The parent sees the teenager’s distance as proof that something is wrong and asks even more questions. Soon, the family is trapped in a loop: More worry leads to more pressure, more pressure leads to more withdrawal, and more withdrawal leads to more worry.

In other words, our efforts to solve a problem can sometimes keep it going—or even make it worse. A perfectly reasonable response can become unhelpful when we continue using it despite poor results.

The good news is that changing even one person’s response can often alter the pattern.

One way to break a stuck pattern is to ask a slightly odd question: What would be 180 degrees different from what I usually do?

This doesn’t mean doing the most extreme opposite thing imaginable. If someone tends to yell, the answer isn’t to become icy and silent for a week. A useful 180-degree turn is safe, respectful, and aimed at changing the specific pattern that is keeping you stuck.

Examples of Trying the Opposite in Everyday Life

For example:

• If you keep pushing yourself to change through self-criticism, try accepting where you are right now a little more.
• If you find yourself repeatedly lecturing a child, try listening more to better understand the child’s point of view.
• If you tend to defend yourself when your partner criticizes you, try agreeing with the parts that might be true.
• If you often rescue a loved one by taking over tasks they can manage, express confidence in that person’s abilities.
• If you’re constantly arguing for change, become curious about the person’s reasons for not changing.
• If you usually avoid having difficult conversations, try raising one specific concern.

Why can trying the opposite help? In relationships, a stuck pattern can develop when each person’s response invites more of the very behavior they want to stop. Most people push back when they feel pressured or controlled—even when the other person means well. The more someone lectures, insists, or tries to force a decision, the more likely the other person is to argue, shut down, or dig in their heels. A better starting point is often to listen, remember that we can’t control anyone but ourselves, and avoid turning the conversation into a tug-of-war. A different response creates an opportunity for a different exchange.

Imagine your partner says to you, “You criticize everything I do.” You may quickly reply, “I do not—you’re the one being critical!” This response makes sense, but it can keep the argument going. Your partner hears another criticism, and now both of you become even more convinced that the other person is the problem. Instead of defending yourself, try agreeing with the parts that might be true. You might say, “I can see why it seems like I’m so critical. When I’m stressed, I can be quick to point out what I don’t like.” This doesn’t mean you’re admitting that you criticize everything or giving up your point of view. What it does do is stop the usual back-and-forth so you can both get back to the real issue.

When people feel heard and understood, they often become more open to another point of view; they no longer have to work so hard to convince someone that their experience makes sense or is valid.

Allowing Imperfection

The 180-degree-different strategy can also be useful when the struggle is with yourself. Imagine putting off a project because you are determined to get it right. You keep preparing, planning, and waiting to feel ready, but never begin. A 180-degree experiment might be to spend 10 minutes making a deliberately rough first attempt. Instead of trying to eliminate the possibility of imperfection before starting, you allow imperfection so you can start.

To implement the 180-degree change, you can:

1. Notice the pattern: What do you repeatedly do to fix the problem? Explain? Defend? Check? Avoid? Control? Push? Rescue? Reassure? Then ask: Is it helping, or is it keeping the problem going?
2. Try one new move: Try the opposite of what you’ve been doing, remembering that it can be a small change.
3. Watch for changes: Give the experiment enough time to see whether the pattern shifts. Look for small signs of progress, not a total transformation overnight.

The central idea is simple: When a solution works, keep it. When it repeatedly fails, resist the urge to do it louder, longer, or harder. Try the opposite. This strategy is best suited to repetitive patterns that keep people stuck. Rather than needing to solve the whole problem, sometimes getting unstuck can start with changing the part that might be keeping the problem going.